You Must Remember This

by Estrella

The day started off like any normal day.

Jen and Jared were shooting a scene like any other scene they'd ever shot. Running across the lawn at full speed, thick Vancouver mud getting stuck to the bottom of Jen's boots, Jen turned around and fired at a piece of blue tape on a string. After the editing room it would be a zombie's face with blood dripping from its teeth that Jen was shooting at, so he let out a yell as he pulled the trigger. Jared tackled him hard, shouting at him with Sam's voice when they hit the ground.

Kim yelled cut! and Jared rolled off Jen and onto the grass, laughing up at the grey sky. "Dude. That was awesome."

Jen grinned and turned his head. Jared's face was flushed and he was smiling wide and bright. Jen hadn't seen him smile like that in weeks. It was good to see.

"Yeah," Jen agreed, pushing up off the ground. "It was an awesome take."

Jared turned his head to say something else, who the hell knows what, but just then the techs were moving all around them, getting them up off the ground and ready for the next scene.

"Jen, I need you over here," Kim called. Jen brushed the dirt and grass off the back of his jeans and shook out his shoulders. Jared was standing next to him, still smiling. He bumped his shoulder into Jen's and Jen stumbled.

"Quit it," Jen muttered. Jared just grinned bigger and nudged him again.

There was a light mist falling from the sky. Thunder rumbled quietly off in the distance, and Jen wondered just how much longer they were going to be at it today. He was cold straight through to his bones. Every muscle in his body ached.

Kim called his name again, and as Jen went to walk away he heard Jared yell, "You need me too?"

"Nah. Only Jensen," Kim answered.

Jen felt Jared's hand on his shoulder and turned around. "Yeah?"

"I'm gonna head to the food tent," Jared told him. He was already nodding off to the side. "Meet me there when you're done?"

"Yeah, okay," Jen said. He walked over to Kim to shoot his scene, and never looked back.

The scene took longer to shoot than he'd expected. It was just him in the Impala, but there was a problem with the lighting, courtesy of the shit grey Vancouver skies. Over and over he had to say the same line, slap the steering wheel in the same way, as Kim yelled that it was too dark, not enough light, Hey, Jen, can you do it just one more time?

By the time they were done the palm of Jen's hand was throbbing and his head hurt. He was still wet and dirty from the tackle in the mud, and his stomach was growling.

"Man, we almost done yet?" he called out the window. He saw Kim hold a hand in the air with his face pressed against the camera lens checking the last shot. Jen closed his eyes. Chanted "please, please, please" under his breath, and whooped out loud when he heard Kim call out.

"We got it! Good job, guys."

Jen got out of the car and stretched his legs. It was raining harder now; fat, cold drops falling from the sky. He turned toward the food tent to go and find Jared, maybe grab a quick something to eat before they headed home and then out for the night. It was nickel wings at the bar, and they'd had plans for the past few days to go out to watch the game. Nothing crazy, just the two of them, some food and a couple of pitchers of beer.

Jen had no idea why, but walking toward the tent he started to feel like something was wrong. Thinking about relaxing at the bar with Jared was usually something Jen looked forward to, but today he wasn't sure. Something just felt off. Not right. He shoved his hands deep in his pockets and crossed the lawn.

Jen heard someone call his name and looked up. One of the sound techs had just run out of the food tent, her long blonde hair flying behind her, and the minute she caught his eye and called his name again, Jen knew his gut was right.

"What is it?" he asked, breaking into a run.

"It's Jared," she said. Jen didn't wait to hear anything else. Just pushed past her and through the doorway of the tent.

A few people were crouched on the ground, everyone talking over everyone else. Jen couldn't see what was going on. He couldn't even understand what was happening, but when he recognized Jared's legs and boots sprawled out in the dirt, he yanked people out of the way until he could get to where Jared was.

Jared was laid out flat on the ground. It barely looked like he was breathing. His skin was pale and his eyes were closed and just seeing Jared like that made Jen feel dizzy and sick. He tried to take a deep breath, but it got stuck in his throat, his stomach twisting in knots. All Jen could think was that something happened. Something happened and Jared was hurt or worse, and--

Jen dropped to his knees and started running his hand over the tops of Jared's legs, his thighs, his chest. Trying to see if he could feel a pulse anywhere, or if anything felt broken.

Just then Jared coughed weakly and pushed himself up. He blinked his eyes at Jen slowly. Cracked his neck and just looked at everyone sitting around him.

Jen let out a sigh of relief. He'd honestly never been so scared in his life. "Dude, buddy," Jen said, patting Jared on the leg. "Try not to move around too much, all right?"

Jared turned his head and took a deep breath, staring right at him. "Buddy?"

"Yeah," Jen said, trying to smile. He shoved over until he was right at Jared's side. Pressed his fingers against Jared's ribs, his chest. Everything felt fine. Jared was breathing, slow and steady. He was warm, so he wasn't going into shock. There was no blood from what Jen could tell, which was good. He leaned back on his heels and let out a deep breath. "Jared, man." Jen shook his head. "What the fuck happened? You all right?"

Jared just stared at him though. "What? Uh, yeah. I think I hit my head or something," he said, rubbing a hand over the back of his head. He sounded confused though, and Jen couldn't figure out why. "Hey. What did you just call me?"

Jen blinked. "What?"

"Just." Jared licked his lips. "You said Jared, and I was asking why."

"Because I was trying to get your attention." Jen told him after a minute.

Jen could hear people moving around him. Everyone was getting up, talking in low, quiet voices. Jared was still staring at him though, with a look that Jen had never seen before. Fear gripped deep in Jen's chest.

"But," Jared shook his head. His bangs fell in front of his face, covering his eyes. "Who's Jared?"

Jen's stomach fell. "You are."

Jared shook his head. His eyes were as dull and blank as they'd been from the moment he sat up and looked at Jen. There was nothing there. Nothing. When Jared opened his mouth to say something, Jen know with a bone-deep clarity what he was going to ask the split second before he did.

"Okay," Jared said slowly. "I'm Jared. Who the hell are you?"


The ride back to Jared's house was quiet and awkward. After managing to get Jared out of the food tent and into Jen's car ("Just get him home and call me from there," Eric had told him. "He seems all right and if this is just a temporary thing I don't want every newsrag from here to Texas on your asses. He'll probably snap back in a minute or two.") Jen tried to point things out on the streets between the set and Jared's place, hoping something would jog his memory. Nothing was working.

"This is so weird," Jared said as he leaned his head against the passenger window. "Do I know you? I feel like I should know you."

Jen pursed his lips and nodded. "Yeah. You know me."

Jared nodded and smiled a little. "I kinda figured that. I mean. I feel like I know you, if that makes sense."

"Yeah, well. We work together a hundred fucking hours a week." Jen turned the corner to Jared's block and flashed him as genuine of a smile as he could manage. "We got to be friendly real damn quick."

"And we do what? We're on TV?" Jared looked as excited as a little kid. The whole thing was so fucked up and wrong, but still, when he smiled like that Jen almost forgot what was going on. It was Jared's smile, easy and bright. Jen had seen it every day for months. "Are we any good?" Jared asked and Jen laughed sharply.

"Sometimes, yeah."

He pulled his truck into Jared's driveway, killing the headlights as they flashed against the garage door. "Is this your place?" Jared asked, already pushing the door open and climbing out. "It's nice."

The whole thing just kept hitting Jen over and over again. He clicked the alarm on the truck. Watched Jared walk cautiously up the steps of his own house, and felt the back of his throat burn. It was Jared and he didn't remember who he was. He didn't remember their job or his house. Jen was completely fucking freaked.

He got out of the car and met Jared on the steps. Tried to keep his voice neutral and calm. "It's your place, man. I thought maybe we'd poke around some of your stuff. See if you remember anything."

"Aw, hey." Jared turned to him and smiled. "That's a good idea."

Jen fumbled with the keys trying to grab the one for Jared's door. The alarm flashed and Jen waited, then keyed in Jared's code. Jared was watching him curiously. Jen shrugged and pushed the door open. "We have each other's keys for when we need to meet early in the morning. Rather than ringing the bell and all."

Jared nodded. "Oh. That makes sense." He looked about to say something else, but Jen had gotten the door all the way open, just in time for Harley and Sadie to come bounding down the hall, barking their fool heads off.

"Oh, fuck." Jen reached out and grabbed Jared's shoulder as Harley leapt on his chest, nearly sending Jared flying back and smacking his head into the wall. That was the last thing they needed. "Jared, watch out-"

But Jared was already crouching down on the floor with his hand buried in Harley's fur and Sadie licking his face.

"Aww, hey! They're awesome!" Jared pet the dogs and smiled, and for a split second, Jen thought a-ha! There it is! But then Jared looked at him over his shoulder and asked, "What are their names?" and that hope for a speedy recovery died right there.

He wasn't going to let Jared see how freaked out he was, though. There was plenty of time for that later. For now Jen just crouched down next to his best friend and reached out to pet the dogs.

"This one here slobbering all over you is your girl, Sadie, And this one," Jen grabbed Harley by the collar and wrestled him to the ground. "This is Harley."

Harley set his front paws on Jen's chest and leaned over to lick his face. Jen twisted his head and tried to wipe the dog spit off. He gave Harley a little shove, sending him back to Jared who just laughed again.

"Well, they sure seem to like you." Jared scratched behind Harley's ears, then pushed up from the floor. He held a hand out for Jen who grabbed it and let himself be pulled up. Jared shot him a nervous look. "Should I just…"

Jen paid a hand on his back and gave him a little shove. "It's your place, man," he told him quietly. "Walk around. See if anything looks familiar."

He watched as Jared took a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, okay."

After half an hour they were in no better shape then they'd been before. Jen watched Jared walk into every room in the house. Kitchen, living room, bedroom. He picked things up, turned things over. Nothing seemed to kick in. There was never a moment of recognition, never a spark of Jared in him.

When he was done Jen grabbed two bottles of water and brought them out to where Jared was flopped on the living room couch.

"Thanks," Jared said, twisting off the cap and taking a long sip.

Jen sat down next to Jared. He leaned forward, his hands between his knees, and said, "Listen. Maybe we're going about this all wrong."

Jared shrugged. "How?"

"Maybe we shouldn't be trying to get you to remember everything at once," Jen said. The longer he talked the more it seemed to make sense. "Maybe what we need to do is figure out what you were doing. What happened to make you lose your memory in the first place."

"And then what?" Jared snorted.

"I don't know," Jen growled. He was so frustrated he couldn't even talk. "I just. What were you doing on the tent before?"

"What tent?" Jared huffed.

"The tent. The food tent." Jen put his water on the table and rolled his hand. "You were in the tent."

"What tent, Jensen." Jared was starting to get pissed off. Good. That was good. Maybe he'd blow this memory block right the fuck out of his head or something.

Jen stood up and started to pace. "You were in the food tent while I was shooting. Did you eat something?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe you drank something. Did anyone touch your stuff?" Jen asked, his voice getting steadily louder.

"Dude." Jared's voice went an octave deeper. "I don't know," he said slowly.

"Well, when you were in there-"

"Holy shit, Jensen!" Jared shouted, jumping up from the couch. His cheeks were flushed pink and his eyes snapped in anger. "You asking me louder isn't gonna make me remember any faster, all right?"

Jen's heart was pounding in his throat. He dropped his eyes. Ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I just - I'm trying, here."

He heard more than saw Jared slump back onto the couch. "I know. I'm sorry." A minute passed, and then Jen heard Jared laugh, a little quiet and sad. "I'm really sorry, dude. For all I know I don't even know you and you're still trying to help me, so." Jen looked over in time to see Jared looking up at him, his eyes soft. "Thanks."

Jen couldn't handle it anymore. He grabbed the remote on the coffee table and tossed it in Jared's lap. "Here. See if you can find us on TV," he said, only half-joking. Maybe something from the show would spark his memory. "I'm gonna make a phone call."

Jared sighed and clicked the TV on.

The rain had stopped, leaving the night just cold and damp. Jen went to his car and dug around the glove compartment for the pack of cigarettes he kept there in case of an emergency. "Because this is definitely a fucking emergency," he muttered to himself. He stuck one in his mouth, lit it, and dug his phone from his pocket.

Jen stared at it for a minute. The numbers glowed a faint green. He ran the pad of his thumb over them, trying to figure out who to call. Who he wanted to talk to. Who the hell he'd be able to say, So, hey. You know Jared? My best friend? Well something happened to him today - no, no one knows what - but now he has no memory. Anyway - how have you been? to, and have them not hang the phone up midway through his explanation.

In the end he really had only one choice.

Jen punched in the numbers and waited through the dull ringing in his ear. He was just about to give up when the phone was answered, Chris's familiar voice slurring in his ear and the sound of a party going full blast behind him.

"Well, well. Look who it is," Chris drawled.

Jen closed his eyes and leaned against the car. "What the fuck are you doing answering Steve's phone?"

Chris barked out a laugh. "I'm the new secretary, didn't you hear?"

Jen smiled. He couldn't help himself. "Yeah. I bet you look real pretty in a short little skirt."

"Better than you would, you ugly mother."

Jen laughed, almost forgetting the reason he'd called Steve to begin with. Chris was good for that. For making you forget everything except what was going on right that minute, right around you. Jen remember that him and Steve were in L.A. doing some shows. Jen and Jared had been trying to get down there to see them but the time off had never panned out right.

And now Jared…Shit. Jen took a long drag on his cigarette, and blew it out into the cool, night air.

"Well fuck me blind," Chris said, interrupting his own long and sordid tale of the three blonde waitresses at the club they'd played at the night before. "You're smoking."

Jen blew rings into the air. "Yep."

"Well, hell, son. Why didn't you just tell me to get Steve?" Jen heard Chris stomping through the party, all muttered outta my way, and I said move it to everyone he passed. "Steve," he heard Chris say. "Jen needs you."

Steve fucked with the phone for a minute, telling Jen to hang on about halfway through the bouncing and bumbling. When he finally said hello, he was someplace a hell of a lot quieter. Jen was glad for that. He hadn't been looking forward to trying to shout the whole story into Steve's ear.

"Hey," Steve said. "What's up?"

Jen tossed his cigarette. It sizzled on the wet ground and Jen pinched the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes.

"Jared had an accident," Jen said. "And I just--" He blew out a breath. Leaned his head back and blinked up at the sky. "I don't know what to do."

Steve was quiet for a second. Jen heard the strike of a match, and the sharp inhale as Steve took a long drag off whatever he was smoking. "Tell me," he said, and Jen just found himself talking.

By the time he was done, Steve had already suggested about five things that Jen hadn't thought to do. ("Did you call the doctor?" "No." "Well how 'bout you do that first thing tomorrow then, genius." And, "How 'bout pictures. You show him some pictures?" "Uh. No." "What the hell. Did you have him just walk around and touch stuff?" "Maybe.")

"Listen. Do that shit tomorrow and then call and let me know what's up, all right?" Steve said. Jen could hear the door opening from whatever room he'd been hiding in. The music got louder, and then there was Chris's voice, right against Jen's ear again.

"Steve'll call you tomorrow, princess," Chris shouted. Jen could hear the phone being yanked from Steve's hand. Steve shouted, Hey, man, fuck-and then the line went dead.

Jen stared at the phone in his hand for a minute, before he cracked up laughing.

When he went back into the house, Jared was leaning back on the couch watching the Food Network with the remote lying flat on his belly. He looked up as Jen walked in the door, then back down so quick that if Jen didn't know him like he did, he would have thought everything was fine.

"What's wrong?" Jen asked. He kicked Jared's feet to the side and sat next to him.

Jared shrugged. "Nothing."

"Yeah, see. You may not remember shit right now, but I know you better'n that, and you're a horrible liar," Jen told him. "So spill."

"Other than the fact that I have no memory and you're outside talking about me to people who I don't know?" Jared snapped. "Nothing."

"Well if you're waiting for me to talk to someone you do know, that might take a while," Jen argued back.

Jared slumped back into the couch and sighed. "This sucks."

"It does, yeah." The TV was too loud and annoying so Jen grabbed the remote and clicked it off. He could hear Sadie whoof quietly, her nails clicking against the wood floors as she walked back and forth across the hallway. Jensen tried to remember the last day that felt this long and couldn't.

"I was talking to my friend Steve," Jen said after a few minutes passed. "Steve and Chris are friends of mine. They're in a band. You know them," he said, turning to look at Jared. "I was just - I just wanted to see if they had any ideas."

"Did they?"

Jen smiled. "Well, Steve said to bring you to a doctor tomorrow.'

Jared rolled his eyes. "He sounds like a genius."

"And he also said pictures," Jen interrupted. He rolled his hand in the air. "Take out your wallet."

Jared's wallet was one of those cheap, black leather fold-up deals that everyone on the planet had. Jen looked on as Jared flipped through the receipts and credit cards. When he got to the picture foldout Jen held his breath.

Because he'd totally forgotten this part of the motherfucking equation.

"Wow," Jared said, his voice quiet and awed. "Who's she?"

Jen coughed and tried to grab the pictures from Jared's hand. He should have figured Jared would still have one in there. Sentimental prick. "That's Sandy," Jen told him. Before there could be any confusion he added, "You two broke up."

Jared shook his head, his eyes wide. "Damn," he whispered. "How long ago?"

Not long enough, Jen wanted to say. If there was ever a night in his life that Jen never wanted to relive, it was the night that Sandy dumped Jared. "About two months ago."

Jared stared at the picture some more, before flipping past it. "Wow. She's really fucking hot, huh?"

Jen had plenty of things he'd wanted to say about Sandy. They'd started building up from the minute he'd met her, and kept right on until the last time he saw her face on set.

Now wasn't the time, though, so he just knocked his shoulder into Jared's and said, "Totally hot," with a smile.

Jared flipped through the rest of his pictures. That's your mom, Jen told him. That's your sister. Jared seemed like he was believing Jen but not really quite getting it. Like he would trust what Jen was saying, but he wasn't actually remembering anything himself.

"Nothing, huh?" Jen asked after Jared stared at the pictures for a few more minutes.

Jared just shook his head. "Naw, man. Nothing. It's like…" he trailed off then shrugged a shoulder. "It's just fucked up."

Jen couldn't argue with that. Hell. This situation being fucked up was one of the only things that Jen actually knew for sure today.

He took the wallet from Jared and snapped it closed. He was tired, man. Tired and wrung out. He needed a beer or a strong shot of whiskey. Something to help him relax, before a hell of a lot of sleep.

Jared looked tired too. He yawned and Jen nudged him with his elbow. "You want to go pass out?"

"Yeah," Jared said, rubbing his eyes. "I think I might."

Jen went with Jared to the bedroom, grabbing a pair of sweats from the pile of clothes Jared kept in the corner of the room and tossing them at him. "Put these on and lie down. I'm gonna crash out in the living room in a little bit," Jen told him.

"Are you sure, man?" Jared asked. "I feel bad. Do you have something you need to do or something? You've been here all day."

Jen didn't tell him that even if Jared hadn't gotten hurt, this was probably where Jen would have been anyway. He wasn't sure just how much Jared remembered about him, if anything, and how much he was going by on with just blind faith. He started backing out of the room. "I'm good, dude. Believe me, I've spent many nights passed out on your couch."

"Yeah," Jared smiled. "All right."

Jen was halfway down the hall when he heard Jared walk to the door of the bedroom and call his name. He stopped and turned around. Found Jared leaning against the doorjamb, watching him.

"What's up?" Jen asked.

"You and me," Jared said slowly. "We're what, best friends or something?"

Jen licked his lips. "Yeah," he said, his voice rough.

Jared smiled at him suddenly. "Do I call you Jensen all the time, or…"

"Most of the time," Jen said. His lips twitched in a smile. "Sometimes just Jen though."

Jared watched him for another minute, then nodded slowly. "All right," he said softly. "I was just wondering."

Jen didn't know why, but everything seemed different for a split-second. It was him and Jared, but it was him and Jared with a clean slate. Like Jared was someone Jen just met, but knew anyway. Like they could just start over now, if they wanted. Start over different.

He cleared his throat before he thought about it too hard. "I'm just gonna go…" Jen said, jerking his thumb toward the living room.

"Yeah, all right," Jared said, backing into the bedroom. "Night, Jen."

Jen walked over to the couch and threw himself face first on the cushions. "Night, Jared," he mumbled, not lifting his head even once.


The next morning was sunny, for once. Jen got up at the crack of dawn, put a put of coffee on, fed the dogs, and booted up the computer to look for anything he could find online on memory loss.

Every website was the same degree of unhelpful. Head trauma. Reaction to certain substances. Mental incapacitation. Jared losing his memory could have been from any number of things. Jen didn't even know where to start.

He waited until seven to call Eric and tell him that there'd been no change and he was taking Jared to his doctor that morning. Eric said that was fine. They'd shoot second unit for the next few days until they knew what was up.

Then Jen called Jared's brother Jeff to fill him in. He'd met Jeff the last time they were both at home. Jeff was a great guy, and Jen was able to explain what had happened before making Jeff promise not to tell the rest of his family until Jen called him back.

"For all we know it could be nothing," Jen said. He pinched the bridge of his nose. He had to remember to head home to pick up his glasses at some point. "I just wanted to let you know-"

"No, yeah. Thanks," Jeff said. "And trust me, I'll wait for you to call back. Telling this all to my mom is one conversation I don't look forward to having."

At nine Jen called Jared's doctor and sweet-talked the nurse until he was able to get an appointment early that afternoon. By the time he hung up Jen felt like he'd been awake for days. Christ, it was just after nine and he already needed a fucking nap.

He was standing in the kitchen doorway, eyeing the couch and wondering if he had an hour to kill before he woke Jared up, when he heard Jared muttering curses from his bedroom. Jen started down the hall, smirking to himself at the aggravated tone he heard in Jared's voice.

"You know, you're usually more of a morning person than this," Jen lied. Jared was a horrible morning person. It was one of the things Jen always joked about, saying how Jared could be the nicest guy in the world, but first thing in the morning he was a nasty son of a bitch.

Jared whipped his head around from where he was standing in front of his closet. His hair was mussed and he was frowning. Jen started to laugh. "Dude. It's not even funny," Jared said seriously.

"What's not?"

Jared whipped a hanger from the closet, an ugly brown and white flowered shirt hanging from it. "I wear this shit?" Jen laughed out loud at the look on Jared's face. "No, man, I'm serious here," Jared insisted. "Everything in here is pink. Or ugly. Or pink and ugly. Jesus Christ."

"Yeah, well," Jen patted him on the back. "All yours, man."

Jared frowned again and shoved the shirt back in the closet. "Well I'm not wearing it."

"You have to wear something, asswipe."

"I'll wear something else," Jared grumbled.

Jen shrugged. "Shower and do it quick," he told Jared. "You have a doctor's appointment in a few hours and I have to stop home before that. Here," Jen said, nudging Jared to the side and digging into the closet. He yanked on a hanger and thrust it at Jared. "This is blue and ugly. Knock yourself out."

Jared glared at him and Jen just smiled.


Jared didn't remember anything about Jen's house either, which wasn't much of a surprise. If he didn't remember his own place, why would he remember Jen's? Plus, the two of them spent a hell of a lot more time at Jared's place anyway. Jen wouldn't have been surprised if Jared didn't remember much about it before he lost his memory.

The doctor's office was quiet, and they took Jared right away. Jen wanted to know what was happening, but managed to stop himself from following Jared into the examination room when they called his name. You're not married, Jen reminded himself. Just sit down and quit fucking worrying.

When Jen's phone rang he shot an apologetic smile at the receptionist before whipping it out of his pocket and answering it as quickly as he could. He pushed out of the office into the bright, sunny afternoon and said hello. Then he groaned and thought that he should have taken a split second to check the caller ID and see who it was before answering.

"Hey, Tommy," Jen said, trying to sound like everything was normal. "What's up?"

"Hey, J." Tom's voice was low and easy. "Just calling to see if you were off today. Maybe wanted to get in the front nine this afternoon."

"Yeah, thanks. That'd be really cool," Jen told him, debating whether or not he should tell Tom what was really going on. He banged a fist on his thigh and leaned against the building. When he looked up the sky was shining blue and bright. "But I can't today. Sorry."

Tom sounded like he was about to say something. Something probably like, Okay, fine, before hanging up the phone, but once Jen started talking he couldn't stop. It was like he was trying to deal with everything on his own, and the minute someone so much as poked him for information, everything came spilling out.

"Jared had an accident yesterday," Jen blurted out, and the next thing he knew him and Tom were each talking over the other.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. Hit his fucking head or something-"

"He all right?"

"He's got no memory. I'm at the doctor's with him right now and-"

"Wait. He doesn't remember anything? Anything at-"

"It's so fucked up. I don't even know what to fucking do half the time-"

And once it was out it was out. As if saying it out loud suddenly made it more real.

Jen was totally freaked by this whole thing. No more pretending to be calm. He needed someone to flip the fuck out to, and apparently Tom had just gotten himself nominated.

"All right, listen." Tom's voice was hard. "Stop freaking out like a fucking pussy. I'll call Mike and we'll come over tonight and see what we can do."

"Okay." Jen took a deep breath. "We're at Jared's."

"I figured that, jerkoff. I didn't think you had those insane dogs running around your place."

Jen just laughed. "Right. Okay." He looked inside the office and saw the receptionist waving at him. "Look, I gotta get back in there and talk to Jared's doctor. Come over around seven."

"Okay," Tom said. "See you then."


"So lemme get this straight." Jared was sitting in the passenger seat of Jen's car again, leaning his head against the window. "There's nothing wrong with me."

Jen shrugged and concentrated on the road. "According to the doc, yeah."

"So I just - wandered off during work one day and bam. No memory and no one knows why."

"Jared, look. Don't get yourself all upset-"

"Don't get upset?" Jared's voice hit a pitch Jen had never heard before. "Jensen. I don't remember anything. I don't remember my job or my family or our friends. Hell. I don't fucking remember you but I'm guessing we must be really tight for you to keep driving me around everywhere for the past two days-"

Jen swerved the car to the side of the road and threw it in park. "Listen," he bit out, twisting in his head to look at Jared.

Jared's cheeks were flushed, his jaw set in a hard line. His hair was pushed up off his forehead, and Jen could see his eyes perfectly. Could see how fucking scared Jared was. Even if he couldn't, the white-knuckled fists in Jared's lap would have given him away.

"The doctor also said it could come back at any time," Jen said, calmly. "He didn't know what caused it but he didn't think it was permanent."

"But he didn't know for sure," Jared interrupted. "How am I supposed to - god. I can't remember anything. Where we work or what we do or anything. I just-" he twisted his head to the side and stared out the window. "I don't know what to do."

Jen swallowed hard. "I know, Jared," he said thickly. "We'll figure it out though, okay?"

Jared nodded his head but Jen knew he didn't believe him. "Yeah," he said after a few seconds. "Yeah. Okay."


"Hi. I'm Lex Luthor."

Jen rolled his eyes and groaned, pushing open the door for Mike and Tom. Jared looked back and forth from Mike to Jen, his eyebrows hitting his hairline.

"You're who?" Jared asked

Mike walked into the house and held out his hand to Jared. "Lex Luthor. Nice to meet-"

Tom smacked Mike on the back of the head so hard Jen thought the neighbors might have heard it.

"Asshole," Tom muttered, shoving past them all to drop off the case of beer he was carrying in the kitchen. When he came back out, he smiled at Jared, wide and bright. "Hey, Jared," he said, easily. "Don't listen to Mike. He got dropped on his head a lot when he was a baby."

Jared laughed, like he always did when Tom was around and in one of his moods.

"Oh shut up, Welling," Mike complained. "You're just jealous that you're not as pretty as me."

Tom laughed sharply. "Right. That's it, exactly."

Jared laughed again, turning his head to include Jen in his smile. Jen thought that having Mike and Tom over was probably a good idea. Give Jared and Jen some time out of each other's faces. Get some new people in the mix. It should be a good night.


"That was cool tonight," Jared said happily. Tom and Mike had left about an hour earlier, and now it was just the two of them sprawled out on the couch, flipping through the TV.

Mike and Tom were actually the two worst people to try and get Jared to start to remember things. Jen hadn't thought of that. Because they didn't exactly start with the things Jared should be remembering. Hell. Half the stories they brought up Jen wished he had no memory of himself. Jared was lucky to have forgotten them.

"How about the time we went to the bar and you walked into the men's room and found the waitress blowing Mike against the sink?" Tom had asked. Jared shook his head, a confused look on his face, and Mike interrupted with, "Well, then, how about the time we all got too drunk and high to drive home and when you woke up Tommy had taken your jeans off and tied them to the roof of Jen's car? No to that one too? Huh."

Jared had laughed though. The whole night. He'd been happier than Jen had seen him since the accident happened, so when Jared told him again how much fun he had, Jen just turned his head and smiled. "It was cool. They can be two jerkoffs but in the end they're good guys."

"And we hang out with them a lot?" Jared asked. He was asking a lot more questions all night, trying to fill in some of the blanks.

"Every once in a while, yeah," Jen explained. "Our show and theirs are on the same network so we see them a lot. I was on their show last year, actually, and-"

"Do you have pictures?"

Jen stopped mid-sentence at Jared's question. "What kind of pictures," he asked cautiously.

"I don't know, man." Jared lifted a shoulder. "Pictures of us. Out or something. I mean, we're on TV right? Don't people care when we go to things?"

"Well, sure. I mean." Jen rubbed a hand over his mouth. He looked at Jared from the corner of his eye. Jared had one leg twisted under him and was leaning next to him on the couch. He was smiling, again. The same Jared smile Jen was used to, and he realized he'd probably do whatever it was that Jared asked for. "I have some online. We can look them up on your computer."

Jared was already standing up and walking to the computer desk. "Yeah. Come on."

It didn't take long for Jen to login and pull up the account he used to save all his press information. He clicked into the section with photos, flipped through some standard press bullshit, then slid the mouse to Jared when he got to the start of the WB press shots.

"Here," Jen said, quietly.

Jared clicked through all the photos one at a time. Some of the WB party ones. A few of Jensen alone. Some of Jared alone. All the ones Jen ever saved of them together. Jared looked at each picture carefully, studying them all, not saying a word.

Jen's throat felt tight. Looking at the pictures he could remember every single minute from when the shots were taken. Where they were, what they'd been talking about. He could remember the warm press of Jared's body next to his. The way he had smelled. The weight of his arm around Jen's shoulders.

Jared wasn't remembering any of that. He could see it but he didn't know, and suddenly, Jen was irrationally angry at what happened. Angry that Jared couldn't remember.

"Hey, Jensen?" Jared asked. His voice was soft. He was staring at a shot of the two of them at the WB party from the summer before. Jen stared at the back of Jared's head. Saw the way his fingers curled around the mouse.


"Are we…" he trailed off. Jen watched as Jared reached around to scratch the back of his neck. When he turned his head his eyes were wide. "I mean, were we…"

The minute Jen realized what Jared was asking, he took a step back. Jesus. He didn't realize he was standing that close to Jared's chair to begin with.

"No, we're not. And we weren't," Jen clarified before Jared could ask again.

"Oh. Cause I mean." Jared scratched his chin. "I mean, Mike said some stuff." Oh, Jen was going to fucking kill Rosenbaum, "And then these pictures. I guess I just thought-"

"We're not," Jen said again, backing out of the room. He needed a drink. Something stronger than the beer he'd been sucking down all night. Something like pure grain alcohol, to have this conversation. "Look, it's kinda late so I think I'm gonna just-" Jen nodded at the couch. "Tomorrow we'll hit the set and see if that triggers anything."

Jared was watching him with curious eyes. Jen felt like he was being studied - like Jared was taking inventory - and Jen wasn't sure what it meant or how he felt about it. All the things he had always managed to hide from Jared seemed impossible to keep a secret now. Like Jared didn't know anything about himself, but he could see right into Jen's head. See everything Jen never let him know before.

"Okay," Jared finally said. He shutdown the computer and started down the hall. "I'll see you in the morning."

Jen flopped down on the couch, rubbing Sadie's head when she laid it in his lap. This was good. He needed some space from Jared. He probably should have gone home to sleep, but he didn't want Jared to wake up in the middle of the night and need something and not have anyone there.

A few minutes later, the lights clicked off in Jared's room. Jen turned to face the back of the couch, and fell asleep.


Jen woke up to complete darkness, and warm hands on his thighs. He couldn't figure out where he was at first, but when he did and realized what was going on, he sat straight up and shoved Jared away.

"Dude. What are you doing?" Jen was trying not to freak out, but Jared was kneeling on the floor next to the couch, his huge hands on him. He wasn't really doing anything. Just sitting there, rubbing the palms of his hands up and down Jen's jeans, his bottom lip caught between his teeth.

"Jensen, tell me something," Jared said, quietly. Jen's eyes were adjusting to the dark enough that he could see how smooth Jared's bare chest looked. How shallow he was breathing. Jen managed to get his feet on the floor, but Jared just moved with him, settling himself between Jen's knees. His body was warm where they were pressed together. Jen almost had to sit on his hands to keep from reaching out and touching him.

"Jared." Jen's voice broke on the word. He couldn't do this. He knew what Jared was looking for, it was all over the way he was looking at Jen, but Jen couldn't, no matter how much he wanted it. Not now. It wasn't right. "Man, what-"

"You said before that we never did this," Jared whispered. He slid his hands up the tops of Jen's thighs again. The tips of his fingers rested at the waist of his jeans. "That we weren't-"

"Cause we weren't," Jen insisted. He needed Jared to stop. His fingers were moving so slow, just tracing back and forth across Jen's belly and all he wanted were those hands on him. Touching his skin, pressing him down. He wanted to feel Jared against him, above him. Feel his weight and heat and strength. Jen sucked in a breath and closed his eyes. "We weren't," he repeated, but he was having a hard time even believing it himself.

"But we wanted to." Jared curled his hands around Jen's waist. "I know we did."

"You don't know that," Jen choked out. Jared's hands were warm, his skin rough with calluses. Jen swallowed hard. It killed him to do it, but he circled Jared's wrists and pulled his hands off. "You don't know that," he said again.

Jared looked up at him. His hair was falling over his forehead, messy from sleep. He blinked wide eyes at Jen. When he licked his lips Jen couldn't stop staring at his mouth. "I know I want to now," Jared told him softly.

It was the worst thing ever, to having Jared telling him this when he wasn't himself. To know that when Jared was Jared, he didn't think about this ever, but now, here, when he didn't know anything at all, that this was when he wanted him.

"We can't do this," Jen said. Jared pushed up higher. Leaned in and touched his mouth to Jen shoulder. "Jared, we can't. Not now--"

"I want this," Jared said, his voice firm. He lifted his head enough to drag his lips across Jen's jaw and god. Holy motherfucker, Jen wasn't going to last much longer. He was trying, he really was, but he'd wanted this for too long. Jen might be a decent guy and a good friend, but he was far from a fucking saint.

"Let's just wait," Jen said, trying one last time. "Wait until you get your memory back-"

"And what if I don't?" Jared snapped. He pushed back and looked straight into Jen's eyes. "No one knows anything for sure, Jensen, so it's stupid not to do this because we're spending all this time waiting for it to happen." The longer he talked, the harder his voice got. His eyes were flashing now; the darkness couldn't even hide it. "Now are we gonna do this or what?"

There were a thousand different ways to answer that question. No, was probably the best way. The right way. But In the end, Jen almost didn't have a choice. Jared was leaning forward. Jen could feel him, could smell the traces of soap on his skin, and god, he wanted him. When Jared pressed his lips against Jen's jaw, he knew that was it.

Jared's mouth was as warm and sweet as Jen always imagined. His lips were wide, and he moaned deep in his throat when Jen slipped his fingers into Jared's hair and pulled him closer. It was hot and wet and perfect. The smooth slide of lips, the sweet touch of tongues.

And maybe it hadn't happened in any way Jen had ever thought about, but god, he couldn't wait anymore. He'd deal with the whats and ifs and whys tomorrow, but for tonight, this was going to be his.

Jared didn't waste any time, moaning softly and pushing Jen back down onto the cushions, climbing onto the couch after him. Jen had fallen asleep earlier with his shirt off and his jeans unbuttoned, and when Jared's chest touched his, the feel of skin on skin had Jen twisting his head to the side to suck in a breath.

"Jared. Jesus," he gasped. Jared was making quiet sounds above him. Little whispers, soft moans. His hands were warm against Jen's chest, moving down his skin, resting at his waist. He kissed Jen's mouth, pulling away only to run his lips over Jen's cheekbone, to kiss his temple. "God." Jen whispered. "I want-"

"Was it always like this, Jensen?" Jared asked softly. "I feel like I've always known you. Like it was always this." Jen shivered when Jared kissed the shell of his ear. "Is that how it always was?"

Jen pulled Jared down by the hips. Jared was hard -Jen could feel the press of him against Jen's thigh - and all he wanted was everything that was between them gone. He wanted to feel Jared's skin, every inch of it, warm and soft.

He tilted his head back as Jared kissed the hollow of his throat, sucked on his Adam's apple. "Yeah," he finally answered. Jen didn't have it in him to lie. Not about them. "This is how it always was."

Strong hands grabbed at his jeans, and Jen twisted to kick them off, pushing at the waist of Jared's sweats until the rest of their clothes were lying in a pile on the ground. He shifted and put one foot on the floor, sliding his hips until Jared was lying flat on top of him, skin pressed together with sweat and their cocks lined up next to each other, wet and necessary.

"Oh, god," Jared breathed, as Jen lifted up, pressed his hips higher. Jared was grabbing onto whatever part of Jen he could reach. Digging his fingers into Jen's shoulders, rubbing his thumb over Jen's lip. Jen was trying to keep his eyes open, to watch Jared, to see him, but they kept falling closed every time Jared moved against him.

"I want you so fucking much," Jen heard himself say. Jared whimpered. Dug his fingers into Jen's arms and just held on while he fucked against Jen harder and harder, pushing him against the couch, pinning him there with his weight. Jen couldn't even believe the things he was saying. Telling Jared how much he wanted him. How he thought about Jared every day, from the day they met.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Jared asked. His breath was coming short and fast. Jen could feel him shaking. Could feel the wetness against his belly from their cocks. He reached down and curled his fingers around the both of them, and Jared bit his lip and came instantly. "God, Jensen." Even while he was coming, Jared was still talking. Jen tried to grin, but then Jared was pushing his hand away. Wiping his fingers through the come on Jen's stomach and fisting his cock, tight and hard.

"You should have told me," Jared grunted. Jen twisted his head to the side. He was going to come -Jesus fuck. Jared's hand was hot, his fingers moving roughly. He bit Jen's chin, moved his teeth to Jen's lip and sucked it into his mouth. "You should have said something," Jared whispered.

When Jen came it was just like that. Jared's hand around him and their mouths touching. Jen ran his hand up Jared's back, feeling the light sheen of sweat against his palm. "I couldn't," Jen said quietly. Jared's face was pressed against his chest. Jen could feel him nod. "I couldn't risk it," Jen clarified.

"Yeah," Jared answered. "Yeah, okay." Jen could feel Jared relax against him. His body went heavy and solid, his breath evening out. Jen knew they should get up. Get cleaned off; maybe get some sleep in a real bed.

But Jared was snuffling against him, and when he reached over and twined their fingers together, Jen just kissed Jared's hair and fell asleep.


They woke up the next morning, late and cranky.

"Fucking couch is uncomfortable as shit," Jared complained.

"Try sleeping on it with three hundred pounds on you next time, bitch."

Jared stared at him, mouth hanging open. "I know you didn't just say I weighed three hundred pounds, fucker."

Jen just laughed, then shook his head and locked himself in the bathroom to take a shower.

He let the water run until the room was thick with steam. The water was hot and Jen stepped under the spray letting it beat down on his back. His muscles were aching. The couch really had been a bitch to sleep on, and especially with Jared on top of him all night-

The minute the thought entered his head, Jen felt like a shit.

Because, god. Jesus. Jared was his friend. And right now, Jen was the only person in the entire fucking world that Jared knew. That he trusted even a little. That he remembered -and fuck, wasn't that a kick in the ass.

Jared remembered Jen now. He wanted Jen now. But as much as Jen wanted the night before to happen - for as much as he'd thought about it, wanted it practically from the day they met - it wasn't really what Jen wanted. It wasn't really Jared.

And that was the kicker right there. Jen wanted Jared. He wanted his Jared. The one that knew him. That one that teased Jen about his cowboy boots and country music and football games. The one who always beat him in poker, but never in pool. The one who he knew. His friend.

Jen wanted his life back, with his job and his friends and Jared always there, always with him. Jen leaned his head against the tile wall and closed his eyes. He loved Jared and would do anything for him, but man, Jen didn't know how much longer he was going to be able to take this.

Every time Jen thought he was doing okay with it, he'd stop and realize that he really wasn't. That all he wanted was his life back to where it was three days ago, before Jared wandered off and changed everything in their lives in a split second. Even if it meant that the night before would be the only time he'd be able to touch Jared like that -that Jen would never be able to have that again - it would be worth it. Jen would trade everything else that happened if it meant he could have his friend back.

Jared knocked on the door softly and called Jen's name. Jen cleared his throat. "Yeah, sorry," he called out. He washed his hair and shut the water off as quickly as he could. Wrapped a towel around his waist, and left the bathroom, finding Jared standing outside the door watching him with worried eyes.

"You all right, Jen?" Jared asked.

Jen smiled tightly. Tried to make it as genuine as he could, but something told him Jared wasn't buying it. "Yeah," he said, giving him a quick nod and pushing past to grab his clothes in Jared's bedroom. "Fine."

Jared looked like he wasn't believing Jen's bullshit for a minute. Instead of calling him on it though, all he did was nod and head into the bathroom. "All right. I'll be out in a few minutes."


The ride to the set was quiet. Jen wasn't really sure what to say, where him and Jared stood, and Jared seemed content to just stare out the window and watch the streets rolls by. Not in a bad way; he wasn't being pissy. Just quiet. Watching.

Jen pulled into his spot at the set, right next to Jared's truck, and reached out to grab Jared's arm before he could get out of the car. "Hey," Jen said. Jared looked back at him. "You okay to do this?"

Jared smiled tightly, and nodded his head. "Yeah. I'm good."

Jen wasn't sure if he believed him, but he was just going to have to take his word for it.

Everyone on set was thrilled to see Jared up and walking around. Eric and Kim came over, showing Jared to his trailer, the Impala, all things Jared should know, hoping something would jog his memory. Jared just kept shaking his head and shrugging. After a little while he turned back and glanced at Jen, and Jen knew Jared was done.

"Eric, listen," Jen said, interrupting him as he was trying to explain how the green screen worked. "I'm gonna take Jared to grab something to drink. Maybe just relax for a bit."

"Oh. Right," Eric smiled. Jared turned to Jen and his expression went from vaguely panicked to grateful. "Sorry," Eric apologized.

"Naw, man. It's totally cool," Jared told him. They smiled and walked off and Jared said under his breath "Thanks, Jen."

Jen bumped their shoulders together. "No problem."

The food tent was quiet, and Jen thought that maybe that was a good thing. Obviously Jared was alone when he first lost his memory, or someone would have seen what happened and they wouldn't have been so fucking lost about everything the past three days. He grabbed a bottle of water and leaned against the buffet table, watching as Jared wandered around the tent. Picking things up and putting them back down.

"Any luck?" Jen called out.

Jared shrugged. "Nah. Just looking to see if I can remember anything but-" he trailed off, then opened a box sitting on a table in the far corner of the tent. "Hey, what's-"

By the time Jared opened the lid and touched whatever was in the box, he was falling to his knees and grabbing his head. Jen dropped his water on the ground and took off running.

"Jared! Shit!" He tore across the tent, falling to his knees and dragging Jared's head into his lap. Jared's eyes were closed, his skin white and clammy. Jen touched Jared's face, his chest. He could feel his heartbeat, steady and strong, but Jared wasn't opening his eyes, wasn't talking.

Jen couldn't take it. "Jesus, man. What the fuck is going on?" He could hear people rushing into the tent, crowding around him. He shook Jared a few more times, and finally he could feel him start to try and sit up, reaching down to push his hands against the ground.

Jared licked his lips. "Jen?" he said, his voice scratched up. He blinked his eyes slowly. "Dude. What the fuck am I doing on the ground?"

Jen's laugh bubbled from his throat, high-pitched and slightly hysterical. "Long story," he finally answered.

Eric appeared next to him. He leaned across Jen to press his fingers against Jared's throat checking for a pulse. Jared narrowed his eyes and jerked his head back. "Eric, man, what the fuck?"

Jen's breath got stuck in his chest. "Wait. Do you remember us?"

Jared raised an eyebrow. "Uh. Yeah." He shook his head. "Why wouldn't I?"

Jen thought he was going to pass out. "Wait. Look around. Do you remember-" Jen spun around and pointed to one of the sound techs. "Do you know her name?"

Jared smiled, slow and wide. "Sure I do. Hey there, Missy."

Missy giggled. "Hey, Jared."

Next to him, Jen could head Eric murmur, "Oh, thank god." Jen couldn't believe it. He shook Jared to get his attention back.

"Dude. Where are we?"

Jared looked at him like he was insane. "Jen, you feeling all right?"

Jen couldn't even get into how many ways that sentence was fucked up. "Just tell me where we are, Jared."

"At the set," Jared said, like he was humoring him. "In the food tent. Is this a trick question?"

"What show are we on?"

"Oh my god," Jared sighed. "Jensen, are you drunk?"

Jen just glared at him.

"All right." Jared sat up and held his hands out. "We're on the set. In the food tent. Of Supernatural. On the WB. And I'm on the ground for some reason, but I don't know why."

"What's your mom and sister and brother's names?"

Jared licked his lips. "Jensen. You're scaring me now," he said quietly.

"Just tell me," Jen insisted.

Jared told him. He answered every question Jen threw at him, from what day it was (minus the three days) to where he grew up to where they went to eat last week for dinner. He remembered Sandy and that they broke up. He remembered hanging out with Tom and Mike before. He remembered everything.

"Who's your best friend?" Jen asked, but he was smiling, finally able to have fun with it now that he knew Jared was all right. Everyone had pretty much left the tent, and they were both sitting on the ground, talking and laughing.

"You mean other than you?" Jared asked. Jen looked down and away. He was eventually going to have to tell Jared what happened between them, there was no way around it. Jared bumped their knees together, and when Jen looked up he was grinning.

Yeah. Jen was going to have to tell Jared what happened, but not yet.

"Chad," Jared answered with a smile. "And man, you fucking hate his guts."

Jen laughed his first real laugh in days. "Yeah. I really do," he said.


It was the medallion in the box that they were going to use in the next episode that did it. Or so they all figured. No one wanted to touch it to find out for sure, but Jen saw what Jared had done when he passed out and got his memory back so it only made sense that he did the same thing when he was by himself to make him lose it in the first place.

Eric said he was going to take the box home, burn it in a fire or smash it into a thousand tiny pieces. Jen didn't really care which he picked. He just never wanted to see the fucking thing again.

They drove back to Jared's in silence. Jared wanted to take his car back, but Jen convinced him to wait another day. "You just got your memory back after three days," Jen told him. "Maybe you should stay away from the wheel of a car for a few more hours."

Jen held it together the whole car ride home. The whole way up the walk of Jared's house. The whole way inside. But when Jared opened the door and grabbed Harley and Sadie by the scruff of their necks, burying his nose in their fur and scratching their ears, that was it. Jen leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He felt limp and boneless. Like he hadn't slept in days.

"Jen? You all right?" Jared asked.

Jen sucked in a breath. His throat was burning, his face felt hot. "Yeah," he said thickly. "Yeah. I just-" He forced his eyes open and hated they way he felt like some dumb chick. Like he was going to do something fucking stupid like try and hug the guy or burst into tears.

He took a deep breath and pressed his lips together. "I just missed you, is all," he finally said.

Jared stood up slowly and walked over until he was standing right in front of him, close enough to touch. "I'm right here, man," he said, holding his hands out, palms up. "Everything's fine."

"I know." Jen rubbed his nose. Cleared his throat. "I'm glad."

Jen knew he had to leave. Maybe head home. Get some sleep. Let Jared have some time to himself. Hell, he needed some time to himself. Figure out how the hell he was going to tell Jared what happened; how he was going to forget that it happened himself.

"Jen," Jared said slowly. He was looking at the floor and took another step closer. Jen backed up and stumbled into the wall. "You know, I don't remember how I lost my memory and all, but I do kinda remember some stuff that happened in the past few days."

Jen swallowed hard. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Like. I remember," Jared looked up, his eyes hot. Just seeing him like that was doing all sorts of crazy shit to Jen's brain. Making him think things he had no business thinking. "I remember you taking me to the doctor. Driving me all around."

God, this couldn't be good. "Uh huh?"

"And then Mike and Tom came over." Jared pressed one of his thighs between Jen's legs. "Mike, that asshole, tried to tell me his name was Lex Luthor."

Jen gasped as Jared pressed in. He had no idea what was going on. Jared - his Jared -had never given any indication that he ever wanted this. That he ever thought about the two of them. Jen was so confused his head was spinning. And he was already so hard that he couldn't fucking breathe. "What else?" Jen groaned.

"I remember you making fun of my shirts," Jared said, smirking. "Showing me pictures."

Jared's chest was warm. He was leaning in, his mouth ghosting across Jen's cheek. "What else?" Jen asked.

"I remember you saying you wanted me," Jared finally said. He ran his fingers over Jen's forehead and into his hair. "That you always wanted me."

"Jared." Jen closed his eyes. "I was gonna tell you, I just didn't know how-"

"Dude," Jared said, smiling against Jen's cheek. "It's fine."

Jen couldn't let it rest though. Jared might have been the one to push it the night before, but it was everything that Jen had wanted. Or almost. He rested his hands on Jared's waist and pushed him back a step.

"Jared," Jen said quietly. "Are you sure? Because this…" he trailed off and looked to the side. The house was dark and silent. Jen's hands slipped around to Jared's back as he moved in closer. "I'm serious about this," Jen finally admitted. He needed to make sure he was clear.

When he looked up, Jared was already watching him, a small smile curving his mouth. "Jensen," Jared said, his voice low and rumbling. "I'm serious too. I'm serious about this, too," he added on a breath. "Now come to bed."


They stumbled to the bedroom and fell into bed, sheets and blankets and pillows a twisted mess under their bodies. Jen laughed against Jared's mouth when he knocked his head into the headboard. They yanked at each other's clothes with greedy hands, tossing everything to the floor in piles. When there was nothing between them but skin, Jared grunted and pressed Jen's wrists down against the mattress, sliding over him, kissing the curve of his jaw, the hollow of his throat.

Jen couldn't stop touching him. He grabbed fists of his hair, tilting his head just right, just the way he wanted, to kiss him better. Jared hummed happily against Jen's lips, his hands moving up over Jen's chest, sliding across his skin, brushing over his nipples hard enough to make Jen shiver.

"God, Jared, please. I want-"

"Tell me," Jared said against his throat. "Anything."

Jen thrust up against him, sliding their cocks together at the perfect angle. "I want you to-" Jared reached down and closed his hand around both of their cocks, and Jen nearly flew off the bed. "Jesus. Do you have anything-"

"Yeah, yeah. Just. Just hang on," Jared panted. He reached across Jen's chest and yanked open the nightstand drawer. When he came back with a bottle of lube and a condom Jen nodded.

Jen licked his lips. "Move so I can-"

"Wait," Jared said. He slid a hand down to rest on Jen's hip. "You want me to-"

"Yeah." Jen nodded. "Yeah. All right?"

Jared kissed him so hard their teeth hit together. Jen figured that was a yes.

"Turn over." Jared voice was quiet as anything. He patted Jen's hip gently.

Jared's body was solid against his back, his mouth warm against Jen's neck. He kissed his way down Jen's skin. Soft kisses, little licks. His hands were strong holding his hips. Jen felt sleepy, almost like he was drugged. His limbs felt heavy, like everything was moving in slow motion.

He dropped his head and breathed out Jared's name. Wrapped a hand around his cock and stroked lazily, gasping softly as Jared kissed the side of his hip, his lower back.

Jared's hands were moving gently. Jen jerked in surprise when he felt the slick coolness of Jared's finger against him for a split-second before it was gone.

"What-" Jen started to ask, but then he felt Jared's mouthand he couldn't say anything at all.

Jared was holding him open with one hand, the other dragging softly across his skin. Jen tried to say his name, to say something, but then there was Jared's tongue, and oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ.

Jared's mouth was hot and wet, kissing and sucking and fucking him right there, right-Holy fuck. Jen tightened his fist, stroked himself harder, and nearly fucking lost it when Jared pushed Jen's hand away and held it against the bed.

"Quit it," Jared warned, and then his mouth was back. He was working a finger inside him and then his tongue -he was licking along side it. Fucking Jen with his tongue, licking alongside first one finger, then two, and Jen couldn't help himself. He had to move, shifted his hips and felt Jared's tongue slide deeper, fuck him harder, and he came all over the sheets and pillows without a hand on him.

By the time he heard the condom wrapper being ripped open and felt the hard press of Jared's cock against him, Jen was almost completely fucked out. His entire body felt like it was filled with wet sand. His blood hummed hot through his veins. He wanted more, needed to feel Jared inside him, fucking him deep and slow.

"God, Jensen. You're so fucking tight," Jared panted as he slid deeper. "So good. Jesus. I want-"

"Do it," Jen said, urging him on. "Come on. Fucking do it."

"I wanted this so long," Jared confessed. "I always wanted you." Everything came spilling out then in a rush of words and sighs. His hands were holding Jen tight, pulling him forward with every snap of Jared's hips. Jared's mouth was wet and warm on the back of his neck, and he was still talking. Like someone pulled a string and everything he never said was just out there for Jen to take.

"Jared, please," Jen gasped. He gripped the sheets and twisted his head back to try and see him.

"I just -I never thought," Jared's voice broke. "I want this so fucking much, Jensen. I want-"

"Please," Jen murmured again. Jared leaned over and kissed the corner of Jen's mouth. He was fucking him, steady and fast now. Jen reached around and grabbed Jared's hip, pulling him down harder. "Come on," he said roughly. "Come on, Jared."

Jared kissed him again, awkward and clumsy, and came with his hands digging into Jen's hips, his forehead, sweaty and hot, pressed against the curve of Jen's neck.

They stayed there for a minute, sweaty and breathless, and Jen wondered if he'd ever loved anyone this much in his life.

Jared rolled off his back and onto the sheets, his face open and smiling up at the ceiling. "Holy fuck," he panted.

Jen flopped onto his back and grinned. "Yeah."

One of the dogs was whining down the hall. Jen smiled to himself. Poor mutt. Probably scarred for life. He felt the bed dip as Jared turned over, then heard him say, "So, wait." Jen turned onto his side and blinked at Jared cautiously. "What was your name again?"

Jen waited a second, then rolled his eyes. Jared grinned and rolled onto his back, laughing out loud and slapping his thigh. "You know, you're an asshole," Jen said, tossing a pillow at Jared's head.

Jared grinned. "I know." He turned to look at Jen and cracked up again. "But it's kinda funny."

"No," Jen warned. "It's really not."

Jared slid closer and laughed quietly. He bit Jen's shoulder and whispered, "Come on. It's a little funny."

Jen shook his head and smiled. He had Jared, bad jokes and all. Stupid sense of humor and crappy pranks and loud, obnoxious laughter in the middle of the night.

It was finally all his and Jen couldn't be happier. "Yeah, all right," he said, turning his head to kiss Jared's mouth. Jared's eyes were bright and shining. Jen smiled against Jared's lips and said, "Maybe it's a little funny."

Leave a comment on Estrella's LJ