You Were On My Mind

by brooklinegirl (witchbaby)

1/2002

PG


Myron's caught up in his thoughts tonight


Too tired to sleep. That happens a lot here. Too tired to think, too, but my mind wont stop whirring. Makes my head ache. My eyes wont stay closed.

McKays asleep in his bunk on the other side of the room and its dark in here. Dark, but my eyes have long since adjusted to the dimness and Im watching the gray of the beams against the ceiling.

Cant stop my mind from moving. Thinking things I shouldnt ever think. Those looks and touches come back to me so clear and my heart starts beating way too fast. Middle of the night and I should be sleeping and instead Im just thinking about him. About Zeke. Sometimes I think he knows. How can he not? Its all so clear between us. He tells me everything with a lookand I think I can read his heart in his eyes. But he doesnt say a word.

Leaves me to figure it out on my own.

Damn.

Hes waiting for me to do something, I think. To say something. I cant. I build myself up to it and thenI cant. What if Im just imagining it all? Id look like a fool. And Id lose him as a friend. Im not willing to do that.

But sometimes like in the middle of the night when Im too damn tired to sleep it all seems really clear to me.

I shift in bed, trying to get comfortable, trying to will myself to sleep. I desperately want a cigarette, but I dont want to wake McKay. My thoughts are complicated enough without having to deal with questions.

I turn the pillow over, trying to find a cool spot. Settle back, determined to sleep, but my mind just wont stop moving.

Zeke and I fit together, two halves of a whole. There isnt a damn person on this base wholl argue that with you. Regardless of anything else, we make a damn fine team different styles, different ways of seeing things sometimes, but we have the same agenda: getting these boys and ourselves back to the base alive, each and every time. We try. Out there, were smooth like clockwork. Back here at base, two halves of a whole still, but were not that smooth. Were still stuttering along on this whole friendship thing, never mindsomething more.

Were friends, sure. Hell, if I were pushed, Id call him my best friend, here or anywhere else. I talk to him about stuff I never thought Id tell *anybody*, and he does the same with me, I think. What happens is, well get that that closeness and something will happen. Like were on the edge of something and itll get to just that moment of finding out what and either Zeke or I will back away.

Usually its me.

But still, its Zeke who keeps me awake at night, thinking. Zeke who gets me all hot and bothered, I guess. Zeke who has that smile, all rough and real, and it makes my knees tremble

Its been building slowly, but tonight I feel overwhelmed with need. It hits me hard and all of a sudden Im trembling. Need that closeness, that touching, feeling, being real. I feel like I cant breathe, but Im breathing fine. Its *me* thats hurting, inside, and I cant deal.

Fuck waking McKay. I sit up and grope for the cigarettes on the bedside table. My hands are really shaking and it takes two tries to get the cigarette lit. The flash of the lighter is startling in the darkness. I hear McKay turn over in bed.

What the hell are you doing, Goldman?

I dont even turn my head to look at him. Go back to sleep, McKay. I lie back down, one hand behind my head and take a long drag on the cigarette, trying hard not to think.

More rustling. I wasnt sleeping.

Im still staring off into the darkness, lost in not-thinking my thoughts.

Goldman? Myron? Hey!

I jump, wondering how many times hes said my name. What! It probably comes out grouchier than I had intended.

You okay? The tone of his voice lets me know that, no matter what I answer, hes going to think Im crazy and hell refuse to let this go.

So I dont answer.

Mistake.

I head his bed creak as he gets up. He pads across to my bed, sits down by my feet. I tear my gaze from the smoke rising ghost-like to the ceiling and look at him. I should be pissed at this intrusion, but I guess Im too tired for anger. Go back to bed, McKay. Im fine. Just too wound up to sleep.

This earns me an arched eyebrow and a wide grin. Hell, Goldman, youre the one who woke me up from a sound sleep. Now Im awake, so why dont you take advantage of my good nature and talk to me?

That grin is irritating me no end. You said you werent sleeping.

He dismisses that with a wave. Cmon, Goldman. Spill.

Im angry all of a sudden, angry and glad of it, because anger is better than that need that loneliness that was threatening to consume me. I glare at him. What about you, McKay? Whats keeping *you* up so late at night?

His grin gets wider still, mocking. Aw, never mind that, Myron. Im here for *you*.

Right, I respond, still angry. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and sit up, crush out my cigarette in the ashtray.

Johnny quits leaning back then, sits forward and almost almost drops the grin. Hey, he says, laying a hand on my arm.

The fury hits me the same way the need did and I shove his hand away. His touch burns me, somehow, feeds that anger, and I can still feel where his hand was.

Hes still leaning forward, too startled by my outburst to move. His eyes are wide and alarmed. I just glare at him, breathing hard, my entire body like a lit fuse.

His expression changes, wary, maybe, or something else. My anger is like a dare to him and he grabs hold of my arm again, just to see if he can, I think. I dont know quite what happens then. All I know is that the fury whips through me and I grab McKay, and pin him hard against the bed. Takes all of my weight to hold him down, but I do it. My face is right up next to his and I growl, Keep your damn hands off of me, McKay. You hear me?

His eyes are like steel in the dark and his breathing heavy, as he lies there under me. He doesnt move for a long moment. Till

Till somehow

I dont know. Somehow, it all shifts and all that need, all that want and desire and confusion are translated into something and I and he we were he flips me over easily, pins me, and his lips are on mine and mine on his and its

I dont know how to describe it, let alone explain it, even to myself. One minute we were I mean, I knew it was wrong, knew it was off, all off, even in the moment. What Id been thinking about what had been keeping me from sleeping that was Zeke. Pure and simple. I can admit that now, now that Ive gone and made everything a thousand times more complicated.

So how I ended up pinned beneath Johnny McKay, Ill never know. All I do know is that one minute Im all-out furious at him ready to choke the life out of him for even laying one finger on me and the next, all that energy has changed. First thing I know, Im laying on my back and its *him* whos holding*me* down. Guess it was a little cocky of me to think that, even in the heat of anger, I could pin Johnny McKay if he didnt want to be pinned.

But now hes got me held down tight and hes so close to me all I can see are his eyes, still steel-blue in the moonlight. I cant read them, not at all, and Im none to sure that hes not going to kill me for what just happened.

But the kiss that comes next is like nothing Ive ever experienced. You ever had one of those kisses where its like oxygen? Where you *need* the kissing in order to breathe, in order to exist, and its not just one kiss, its a dozen, all flowing one into the other, like waves. Where youre not in charge, neither of you, where its body, not soul, and all you know is that you want more or youll die. Where your body just wants to melt into him and you think it might actually happen, that melting?

Yeah. Like that.

Hes all over me, or Im all over him, I just dont know. Johnnys a strong guy not big like Zeke, but strong and those muscles are being exerted to hold me down, and I know Im strong and quick, but my god, this man could break me if he wanted to.

But he doesnt. His touch is none too gentle its fierce and grasping and needing and no *way* is this about love. But hes not hurting me, hes just *needing* me and showing it.

I feel like the kissing should render breathing superfluous, and its almost painful to break away in order to take a breath.

Its so late and so dark and Im gasping up at him. This is out of control. I can feel him hard against me and I can feel him shaking with need. Hes moving, sliding his body against mine and Im responding without volition and this is out of control.

The fury is back, but Im mad at myself this time. Stop. Get off of me. I struggle momentarily to push him off, then stop when I realize its a fruitless battle. Like I said, no one makes John McKay do something he doesnt want to do.

He doesnt say anything, doesnt move as he lays there on top of me, looking down at me in the darkness. His eyes are unreadable. Hes reading *me* though that I can tell and then he whistles low under his breath. Youre gonna be the death of me, Goldman, he says, and his tone is light, even though his eyes are dark.

Again, I growl, Get off of me, just as he rolls off easily and strolls strolls! back to his bed like nothing happened. I sit up, still shaking, still wired, and run my hands through my hair.

Im so fucked in the head its not even funny. What the hell was that? That was my doing I think. What happened here? What was I thinking? I *wasnt*, that much is obvious. And how the *hell* can McKay just *stroll* back to bed?

Go to sleep, Goldman. This from his still form, lying quiet in his bunk. His voice is tired, now. . .resigned, almost. Just go to sleep.

He turns his back to me. Im still shaken, still confused, still still hard I slowly lean back, lie with my hands behind my head, trying to remember how to breathe.

God, I need a cigarette.

~end~


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