There's gotta be a point where Garrett shows up at a HDRC show and says, "Hugh, man, I love your music, I love you," and Hugh is like, "Dude, it's the Sentinel! It's the Sentinel!" and Callum is like, "The what?" and Garrett is like, "Actually, I was the --" and Hugh just cuts him off, "The Sentinel, man, didn't you watch that show?" and Callum is all sniffy highbrow cinema at him, and Hugh is like, "Fuck you man, you were on due South, you talked to a fucking dog, man," and Garrett is like, "Oh! Man! It's Ray Kowalski! Wow!"
The thing is, Hugh is a really big Sentinel fan. He's got his tapes labeled all neat and shit, and he bribed his sister (does he have a sister? Maybe he bribed Callum's sister) to actually type the labels so that it's not even in handwriting, and they're all tucked away, in order, totally perfect, and, man, he loved it. That was a great show, right there, and no one ever took it seriously enough, just 'cause there was magic in it. But the magic wasn't the point, see -- the point was about men being friends. Just exactly the way him and Callum are friends, except Hugh thinks Callum would probably hit him in the head with the frying pan before Callum would make eggs for him, but, you know, everyone's different, right?
And, fuck, man, Garett Maggart likes the fucking HDRC! That right there, that right there is the best, that made his day! And when they went out for pizza after the show, Garett -- Hugh gets to call him Garett! -- called up Ken fucking Wahl from Wiseguy, also one of the best shows on TV, and Ken fucking Wahl ate a piece of pepperoni off Hugh's pizza!
It's not that Hugh is starstruck, 'cause, hello, he's a fucking rock star. It's that it's Garett! And Ken! And fuck Callum's bitchass prissy motherfucking attitude.
Callum shakes his head when Ken and Garett go to the washroom. "You're a loser, man," he says.
"Shut the fuck up," says Hugh.
"You don't sound at all menacing," replies Callum. He eats a piece of pepperoni off Hugh's pizza, too, but it's not awesome when Callum does it, it's annoying.
"You're a cocksucking asshole," Hugh informs him. "OW!" Callum kicked him under the table, and now looks pleased with himself. "Jerk."
"Meanie," says Callum in a mock-little girl voice.
"Listen," says Hugh, leaning forward, "the Sentinel is my favorite show, okay, fucker?"
"I thought My Life As A Dog was your favorite show." Callum holds a hand to his heart. "I'm wounded beyond all fucking repair."
Hugh throws a piece of pepperoni at him, and Callum catches it in his mouth, the bastard. "Garett Maggart is cooler than you," says Hugh. "So fuck off."
"No one's cooler than me." Callum smirks, and lounges in his chair, his legs stretching out so one's on either side of Hugh, but before Hugh can do or say anything, Garett and Ken are back.
"I need more pizza, man," says Garett, flopping into his chair. He reaches to the center of the table and takes another slice.
"Me too!" Ken grabs one too, and takes a mouthful of Coke. Then he says, "So-- Callum. I can call you Callum, right? Tell me --"
"Yeah, working with Paul Gross was great," says Callum in a monotone, totally deadpan, and Hugh feels his heart sink in his chest. Callum's either gonna leave or throw a punch, he fucking hates being asked about what it was like to work with Paul Gross ten years ago.
"No no --" Garett leans forward and stabs a finger in the air. "When you were on Supernatural, what was it like to work with Jared Padalecki?"
"Who the fuck is Jared fucking Padalecki?" demands Hugh. "Callum, who the fuck is this guy?"
"Gilmore Girls!" says Garett around a mouthful of pizza. "Oh, he was the best!"
"I thought I was the best," says Hugh before he can help himself.
"You're a fucking cunt," says Callum. "Jared's a fucking cunt, too." Callum's fingers are starting to twitch. "I'm gonna grab a smoke." He slides off his chair and is out of the pizza place before Hugh can stop him.
"Man, he is really wound too tightly," says Garett. "He needs to loosen up."
"Yeah, man," says Ken. "He needs to loosen up."
Garett glares at Ken. "Hey, man, I thought we talked about this."
"We talked about this," agrees Ken.
"You gotta stop it, man, you gotta get your own thing! You gotta be your own person!"
"I gotta be my own person," agrees Ken obediently. "I gotta get my own thing."
Hugh frowns. He doesn't like this. It sounds like they're fighting. That makes him very uncomfortable. "Pizza?" he says, offering the last slice. They both ignore him.
"Look, man, I know you've got this thing --"
"I don't have a thing!" says Ken defensively. He sucks a piece of ice into his mouth and crunches down, and then adds, "You have a thing."
"I don't have a thing! You have a thing!" Garett turns to Hugh and sounds really apologetic when he says, "Ken's got a thing."
"Clearly Ken's got a fucking thing," says Hugh. He takes the last slice of pizza for himself.
"It's just..." Garett lowers his voice. "Richard doesn't like Ken."
Hugh looks over at Ken, who is bright red. "Do you gotta tell everyone, Garett? Huh?" he mumbles.
"So Ken thinks if he's more like me, Richard will like him more." Garett pulls apart the crust of his pizza and gnaws on it. "But Richard... well, there can be only one me."
"Right," agrees Hugh instantly. "Richard -- Burgi?"
"Yeah, man, Richard." Garett sits back. "Richard is great. He's got this big house, and this wife --"
"Garett and Richard sitting in a tree," says Ken in a sing-song voice. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"Richard and I have never sat in a tree," snaps Garett. He is making a stack of pepperonis, one carefully on top of the other. "We don't believe in oppressing wildlife. Hello."
Ken rolls his eyes at Hugh.
"You guys are fucking nuts," says Hugh.
Garett pops the stack of pepperonis into his mouth and chews them, then says thoughtfully, "No... we're just in touch with ourselves and the universe."
Hugh has no idea what to say to that.
"Listen, fuckers." Callum is back just in time. "I'm leaving. I'll see you at your show tomorrow night, princess."
Hugh looks up at Callum. "You're coming tomorrow?"
"If you're a good boy and eat all your vegetables." Callum snags Hugh's crust, sprinkles salt on it, and shoves it all into his mouth, then says something Hugh doesn't understand.
"Fuck off," says Hugh anyway.
"Fuck off!" says Callum.
"It was so wonderful to meet you!" says Garett.
"Can I have your autograph?" says Ken.
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