Four Score

Things were all going well until Stella walked in.

"Ray?" That's when I jumped.

"Yes?" I asked, trying desperately to stuff what I was holding under the bed covers.

"What're you doing in here? I was just making dinner… What is that?"

"Nothing! It's nothing! Um, just a dust cloth I…"

She stormed up to me. She could have such a temper sometimes. That's the reason why I fell in love with her, I suppose. And so quickly, too…

Then she wrested it away from me, and my secret was out there, out in the open. Oh, shit.

"Um?" she asked, holding the white boxers at arm's length. "Um, Ray?"

"Wait, I can explain!"

"Well, you'd better do it fast. Cause if I saw what I think I saw when I walked in… Were you … sniffing these?"

Ah, quick wit will save me! "No! I was, um, wiping my nose…"

"With boxer shorts? You don't even wear boxer shorts, Ray."

No, I thought. But Fraser does.

"Um, okay…" Panic fluttered in my stomach. What to say, what to say. Maybe I could cover my ass with a song, yeah, that's it, a song, and maybe a dance to go with it, yeah, that'll distract her…

"Ray?"

"Um?"

"Ray, are you listening to me at all?"

"I did it myyyy way…"

"These are that Mountie's, aren't they?"

"Well, you know, it's interesting that you ask that, Stella, as they are in no way Benny's boxer shorts, not at all. In fact…"

"Benny? So we're still calling him Benny, are we?"

"Well, he was my best friend. For, um, two years."

"Uh-huh."

"Yep. Best friends. That's it. Just real good buddies."

"Uh-huh."

"So, there's really no need to get all bent out of shape, Stella. Maybe we can just give me back the boxer shorts and be done with it."

She surveyed me for a moment. "You had sex with him, didn't you?"

I could only look at her.

"You did! You had gay, homo, boy-on-boy sex with that Canadian!!!"

I stood up. "Okay, yeah, all right, I did. But it was only that once!"

She stormed away, then came back, her nostrils flaring. "Just once!?"

"Well, it only seems like once…"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Well, only that I seem to remember doing it more than once, but it always also seemed like a first time…"

"This is unbelievable!"

"Oh, come off it. No it's not. In fact, the reason why he and I stopped doing it was because he and your ex-husband started!"

Now it was her turn to just look at me.

"Your ex-husband," I elucidated.

"Wait," she said. "Wait. You're saying that Fraser has had sex with you."

"Well, Benny, but yeah."

"And now he's having sex with my Ray?"

"Well, Stanley, but yeah."

"And me and every Ray in this whole thing have had sex?"

"Uh, yes. That seems about right."

She looked at me. Looked at the underwear. Looked at me again.

"Has Fraser ever had straight sex?"

"Well, there was this bitch Victoria…"

Stella grinned at me. "Canadian four-way?" she asked, with a leer in her eye.

"With Victoria?"

Her hand came out of nowhere and whacked me in the head. "No, you idiot. You. Me. Ray. The Mountie."

I looked at my wife. She looked at me. We both looked at the boxers.

I said: "I'll order the tickets" at the same time she said, "I'll pack our bags."

Well, this was going to be interesting…