One


an epistolary heartbreak

by kev_bot

buzzbooks217 @ yahoo.com

8/2005

PG-13


Are you there, Ray?


5/23

Not really sure how to start this. I used to write in one of these when I was a kid, until Dad found it and made me chuck it. Diaries are for girls, yeah. Thatís what he said. So what does that make me now?

I am

I am in love. Okay, there. Said it. Finito. Now what do I do with that?

Dammit. DAMMIT. I have no idea what to say here. If Benny only

Only what?

* * *

To: rvecchio@cpd.org

From: bfraser@cconsulate.ca

Ray,

Today, I received a note that said youíd like to speak to me. This is terrific! I havenít heard from you in some time. Certainly, give me a call. We can catch up!

Fraser

* * *

Benny,

Okay, yeah, here we go. Got off the phone with you about five seconds ago and now Iím shaking. You know, it might have been better to deal with what I was feeling before I went and married your current partnerís ex-wife. Hmmm.

Okay, not sending this. Probably. Damn.

Why canít love be easy? I always thought it would be. Find a nice girl, marry her, settle down. Thatís the way it works. And thatís the way it worked, dammit. The only complication is you.

I love you, Benton Fraser. Now why canít I send this letter out?

Your friend,

Ray

* * *

Note to self:

Ray sounded strange on the phone. Schedule vacation to go see him? Check with consulate.

* * *

Note to self:

TELL FRASER YOU LOVE HIM!

* * *

5/30

Dear Diary,

Today I saw Ray. Vecchio. Not at his home, but at ... well, best not to say where. He certainly was in a bad state, wasnít he? I donít quite know what to make of the situation, but it certainly seems like something to address.

Perhaps I should mention that there was a kiss. Stilted, yes, and awkward ... yet I canít betray myself and say that it wasnít intriguing. Ray, my old partner in anti-crime.

I also canít say (if Iím being honest with myself, which this little book deems I must) that Iíve never actually been ... attracted to a man before. Maybe I have a fascination with men named Ray. But I never acted upon it, ever, because. Simply because.

And now. Now this kiss, and now this is something I have to deal with. I wonder how I will.

B.F.

* * *

VeckRCW: yeah

CCLiasonBF: Ray, I do believe we need to talk

VeckRCW: I just wanna apologize, Benny. I was WAY out of line

CCLiasonBF: Actually, Ray, Iím not sure that you were.

VeckRCW: ...

CCLiasonBF: Ray?

VeckRCW: ...

CCLiasonBF: Are you there, Ray?

VeckRCW: A little taken aback here, kemo sabe.

CCLiasonBF: I donít know what to do.

VeckRCW: You and me both, Benny.

CCLiasonBF: Would you like to meet again?

VeckRCW: Like nothing else on this earth.

* * *

Benny,

Youíre still asleep as I write this. I guess this is the cowardís way out, I donít know. Last night was... Jesus, Benny, last night was the end all be all of nights for me. Forever.

I woke up this morning knowing that I loved you. Is that cool? Is that, I donít know, enough? Maybe. As I watched you sleeping, I also knew that I could never have you. You in that little patch of sunlight coming through the windows. You were talking in your sleep, Benny. It was my name you were saying, but it wasnít me you were calling for. Thatís when I knew I had to leave.

Benny, I realize this now: I canít keep falling in love with you, and then letting you break my heart. You never knew this before. Hell, I never knew this before. But this. This should be a clean break. I will never, ever stop loving you. But this is goodbye.

Go to your man. Tell him you love him, and mean it. And please donít forget me.

Ray V.

* * *

from the archives of Ms. Caroline Hunter

A letter, dated 9/05

Ray,

Thank you very much for helping me to understand a bit about myself. Please know that I will love and cherish you always, even though we only had those scant few moments together.

In your last letter, you asked how Ray K. and I were doing. I am happy to report that we are doing fine. Without you, my dearest Ray, we never would have realized the true love that we now share.

You are forever my soul and inspiration, Ray. Please know that I forever have you in my heart, if not my arms.

Love,

ďBennyĒ

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